


Cut Through All the Noise

by sconekitty



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Spoilers for the 7th Palace, honestly though the self harm does get kinda graphic as a warning, it does have a happier ending though, kinda for pegoryu week? but also kinda just in the void, so if you can't read that that's entirely understandable, the fic in which Akira is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 11:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15142466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sconekitty/pseuds/sconekitty
Summary: After the events of 11/19, Akira has picked up an old coping mechanism. However, he can't hide things forever.(could fit for Day 2 of Pegoryu Week 2018 - First Fight)





	Cut Through All the Noise

**Author's Note:**

> this is equal parts "I've had a rough two weeks and I'm using writing to cope" and "oops it's Pegoryu Week and I kinda want to participate" so enjoy! it's the first fic i've written in a hot minute.
> 
> also slight rewrite of the ending of the 7th palace because ryuji deserves better

Kurusu Akira _knew_ that old habits died hard, especially addictive habits. However, he did not anticipate that he would be falling back into this particular habit (if he could even call it that) so soon.

Yet there he was, laying in bed on a November night with Ryuji's arm wrapped around his waist and Morgana occupying the space near his head, wide awake and mind preoccupied.

He knew that he should be tired after the events of the last few days. Hell, he _was_ tired. He could feel it in every bone of his body, his muscles begging for sleep. But every time he closed his eyes, all he could focus on were multiple syringes, pain, a bullet firing through his head over and over and _over_ -

Trying not to disturb the two sleeping, Akira carefully untangled himself from the blond's grasp, careful not to bump into Morgana in the process. After successfully removing himself from his bed, he moved to his work desk to rummage through his tools, finding a small, particularly sharp piece of wire and his first-aid kit, which he took bandages from. (He could just say he wanted to use them to cover his bruised and sore wrists - after all, that wasn't a _complete_ lie.)

After gathering his supplies, he quietly made his way downstairs into the small Leblanc bathroom. There, in the quiet away from everyone else, he finally allowed himself to break - just a tiny bit - while rolling up his sleeve and getting to work.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Akira found himself relying on the action a bit more than he would like to admit (because well-adjusted humans certainly didn't break apart a disposable razor to get at its insides, _that's_ for sure), feeling equal parts proud of the fact that nobody seemed to pick up on it and disappointed in himself for falling back on it. Granted, everyone had been too busy focusing on working their way through the rest of Shido's Palace to notice even if they had wanted to.

Plus, they still had to deal with Akechi, a thought that bothered Akira more than he would let on, even to himself. That level of vulnerability - the kind that left him bleeding and slightly less whole than before - was reserved for the dead of night, hidden in the dark of the dusty attic that he called home. Part of him was grateful that Akechi was no longer an issue after the confrontation, but another part - the part that kept him from sleeping due to one too many nightmares - wondered if it would have been better for Akechi to shoot him for real this time, if for no other reason than to spare him from the panic he felt when waking up before he realized he wasn't held captive in a dark interrogation room.

(He never realized how confined he felt in Leblanc until the nightmares started.)

 

* * *

 

As excited as Futaba - and admittedly, Akira himself - was to send out this particular calling card, there was also a sense of apprehension among the Phantom Thieves when it came to stealing Shido's Treasure. This was their biggest target they've had, after all. Not to mention that none of them fully knew what to expect from fighting someone who was entirely aware of the Metaverse and how it worked.

However, none of them anticipated the Palace starting to collapse before they could grab the treasure, which made their escape that much harder to execute. If Akira was being honest, a lot of their exit was a blur to him. There was (obviously) lots of water, and a raft hanging from part of the boat, and before he knew it, Ryuji took off his mask, placed it in Akira's hands with a quick kiss on the cheek, and took off running. He knew Ryuji was their strongest runner, even with his bad leg, but he couldn't help but worry until the raft was dropped into the water.

After everyone was safely loaded on the raft, they began to make their way toward Ryuji. One moment, everyone was fine, Ryuji was hanging on with a thumb held up, that characteristic smile that Akira fell in love with on his face.

In the next moment, there were explosions, stunning everyone. After the smoke cleared, there was one big difference - the noticeable lack of the blond on the rail now above them.

Ann was the first one to break the silence, screaming Ryuji's name in a vain attempt to summon him to their position. He vaguely noticed Makoto holding her back on his right, and Futaba covering her mouth to his left. With lightly trembling hands (when did they start shaking, anyway?), he pulled the skull mask out of his coat, much too numb to do anything else.

The next thing he knew, the seven of them on the raft were back in front of the Diet building.

"Ryuji..." Ann mumbled, seeming too lost for any other words.

"He... he didn't..." Futaba couldn't finish her sentence before a sob came out. Akira looked around at his friends, watching them all process the weight of that statement. Makoto's eyes went wide, Haru looked at the ground, Yusuke took a couple of steps toward Futaba. Akira slowly sank to the ground, still feeling entirely numb, and slightly curled in on himself. He barely noticed Morgana coming up to him, settling down next to his leg. If he had the words, he would've told Morgana to go try and comfort one of the others, but he didn't trust himself to speak. Out of habit, he fiddled with one of the sleeves on his hoodie, digging nails into the skin on his wrist in a futile attempt to bring himself a little bit closer to reality.

After what seemed like an eternity (or maybe only a few minutes - Akira couldn't tell how time was passing) he heard a voice from a slight distance.

"Man, that was close." Akira froze. Was that...?

"Ryuji!" Ann yelled, immediately running toward the sound. When Akira looked over, he saw Ann nearly knock Ryuji over in a hug.

"Hey, what's going on?" Ryuji asked, sounding a bit tired and very confused.

"What's going on?!" Makoto said, emotion filling her voice. "We thought you were _dead_ , Ryuji, that's what's going on!"

"Well...I'm fine, aren't I?" He replied, quickly finding himself in the center of a group hug with the four girls, Yusuke close behind them and Morgana moving from his spot. Akira couldn't help but shake his head at that. He _really_ didn't seem to understand the full weight of what just happened, did he? With that thought, Akira went back to focusing on his sleeve, noticing that he had apparently scratched himself enough to bleed slightly. Figures. Hoping none of the others were paying attention to him, he ran his thumb over the spot, noting that he barely broke the skin.

He knew full well that there would likely be worse damage later that night.

"...should probably split up before the guards notice us," he heard Makoto say. What? He blinked. Oh, right. They were still in front of the Diet building. With a couple of deep breaths, he finally stood up, instinctively pulling his hood over his head (and **not** because he felt dried tears that he didn't even remember crying on his cheeks, that's for sure).

"'Taba, we should probably get going before Sojiro gets worried," he said, getting the redhead's attention. He made a note of Ryuji looking at him, a confused expression on his face.

"Huh? Oh, r-right! Come on, Mona! Time to get back home!" She said, picking Morgana up (much to the feline's protest) and setting him inside of Akira's bag. "We can catch up at Leblanc tomorrow, okay?"

Once the trio made their way toward the subway station, Morgana finally poked his head out of the bag. "Akira, are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Akira mumbled in response, slightly surprised with how flat his own voice sounded.

 

* * *

 

After they got back to Leblanc (and dealt with the mess of the cafe, which seemed to bother Sojiro more than him getting dragged into interrogation) and Akira sent Morgana off with Sojiro and Futaba (he claimed that she could probably use his company more than Akira, and nobody protested), Akira found himself digging through a small box tucked away with the rest of his belongings, pulling out a razor blade, and getting to work.

In his mind, a slideshow of events began playing. _Being tied to a chair, not fully knowing how he ended up in that scenario. Multiple syringes, most of them empty of a mystery drug that even Takemi didn't know the name of._ The feeling of cold metal pressed against his arm. _Sitting alone in a dark interrogation room. Hearing the door open, revealing Akechi with that stupid, sly smile, pretending that nothing out of the ordinary was about to happen._ Metal digging into flesh, ever so slightly. _A pistol against his forehead. The sound of a gun firing, leaving his ears ringing._ A press down, barely registering dull pain. _An explosion, smoke clearing to reveal an empty space where somebody should be._ A sharp, slicing pain, enough to make him pull away, enough for him to get out of his head for just a moment. He let out a shaky sigh, moving the blade lower, then-

Footsteps. Shit, _shit,_ Sojiro must have forgotten something. Panicking ever so slightly, Akira tossed the blade into the corner of the bedroom, fumbling to look for bandages while mentally scolding himself for not being better prepared. He saw a glimpse of his own arm in the dim moonlight, recognizing the pattern of marks along his forearm and realizing that he was bleeding more than usual (was it that deep or- no, there's more than one, okay). Fortunately, he was able to wrap a bandage around his arm quickly enough before the intruder made their way up the stairs.

"Hey, I texted you but I don't know if you saw them and-"

Akira looked up and saw Ryuji, looking stunned, his eyes zeroed in on Akira's arm, bandages now wrapped around it

"Whoa, holy shit, are you-"

"Go away." Akira's voice was cold and harsher than he had intended, but he _couldn't_ deal with Ryuji seeing him right now. Not like this, and not after what had happened earlier.

"What?" Ryuji sounded confused. Hurt. And, if Akira was hearing correctly, slightly angry.

"Go. Get out."

"Eff that, man! I'm not leaving you like this! Did you get hurt in the palace or something?" Mentioning that was not the smartest move on Ryuji's part, as it set something off in Akira.

"You-you're seriously asking _me_ if _I_ got hurt in there?!" Akira asked, not even bothering to hide the frustration in his voice. "You almost _died_ in there, and you have the nerve to come in here, a-and ask _me_ -"

"Why are you even bringing that up?" Okay, Ryuji sounded pissed as well. "I'm _fine_ , I'm still here! _You're_ the one with injuries from who knows where, and..." He trailed off, noticing the shine of something in the corner of his eye. Akira followed where his gaze was, and noticed it too. The blade. There was silence between the two for a minute, until he heard Ryuji gasp ever so slightly. "You-"

"Don't," Akira interrupted. He didn't want to talk about it. He _couldn't_ talk about it.

"No, we're talking about this, whether you like it or not!"

"Seriously. Drop it and go home." Admittedly, Akira didn't want to be alone right now, but it was better than the alternative.

"I'm not leavin'."

"If we're going to be talking about _anything_ it should be you running _headfirst into your own fucking death_ , Ryuji!" The blond's eyes widened, clearly surprised by Akira swearing.

"That's not-where the hell are you getting _that_ idea from?! We needed the raft an' nobody else would've been quick enough! Besides, if we're goin' with that line of thought, then what about the interrogation, then?"

"That was different and we both know it!"

"Different how, Akira? Way I see it is, you went in there knowing damn well you coulda died and _clearly_ you ain't as okay as we thought!"

"We had a _plan_ for that. We all knew the risks involved with that!"

"Obviously not, considerin' what I'm lookin' at right now! A-and don't think none of us have noticed ya haven't been sleepin' much either!" Shit. Maybe Akira wasn't as good at hiding as he thought. "So yeah, maybe you're right about today and then being different. Because _this,_ " he gestured toward Akira's arm, "is NOT how I'm handling what happened today."

"Shut it." That was Akira's breaking point. "Maybe I'm not 'handling' the interrogation the same way you're handling what happened in the palace, but-"

"Because you're not handlin' it at all, Akira!" Ryuji took a deep breath, possibly trying to stop himself from being more worked up. "You didn't- you just looked at me and _left_ earlier without a word! I talked to Ann about it and she didn't know what the hell was goin' on either. If you even read your messages, you'd've known I was coming over to actually _talk_ about today, but..."

Oh. Akira was beginning to realize how badly he messed up "Ryuij, I-"

"No, listen to me." Akira shut his mouth, not in a position to argue with his boyfriend. "We've all been worried since the interrogation 'cause you haven't seemed like you since then. And every time someone tries to bring it up with you, you either just change the subject or brush it off and it _sucks_ , 'Kira." Ryuji walked over and took a seat next to him. "Nobody knew if it was because you were dealin' with it yourself or if you didn't trust us or..."

"I'm sorry," Akira whispered, avoiding Ryuji's gaze. "I... you're right. I _haven't_ been dealing with it. Well, besides _this_ ," he said, lifting up his arm and letting out a sad chuckle. "I _am_ legitimately worried about you because honestly today really scared me. I just thought..."

"Thought what?" All of the anger and tension in the room previously had disappeared by that point.

"...I thought maybe you were going through something similar to me."

"Whaddaya mean?" Silence. After a minute, Ryuji spoke again. "Wait, like... thought I might also be...?"

"Yeah."

"Shit, babe. I-I'm fine, both physically and mentally, I swear. I was honestly more worried about all the rest of you than anything." Ryuji wrapped his arms around Akira, who hugged him back without hesitation. "'m sorry for gettin' upset with you." He ran a hand through black curls.

"Me too," Akira mumbled into his shoulder, no longer able to hold back tears. The two stayed like that for a while, until Akira finally pulled away. "Are we gonna be okay?" He asked, his voice smaller than what Ryuji was used to.

"I'm not plannin' on going anywhere, trust me. Speaking of..." Ryuji looked at his watch, finally realizing how late it was. "Would I be able to stay the night? I took one of the last trains here an' I really don't wanna try and get home this late."

"Of course you can."

"Great." Ryuji hesitated for a second. "Hey... are _you_ gonna be okay?"

Akira rubbed at one of his eyes. "Maybe not for a while. I dunno."

"You can talk to me about stuff, ya know."

"Yeah, I know." And for once, Akira felt like he actually meant it.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm gonna be real i just wanted to use lyrics from 'the anchor' by bastille and only realized the accidental pun after the fact so uh. yeah
> 
> anyway thanks for reading!! come chat with me @ cardscalling on tumblr if you would like!


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